Monday night while I was at work something happed that I'm sure has happened to all of my readers at least once. A group of teenage boys from about 15 to about 18 came in and while I was cutting fabric kept talking very loudly trying to get my attention. After I had finished cutting fabric and went to run the cash registered the eldest of the boys leaned on the counter in that cocky way that guys have and asked me where my boyfriend was, I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t have one and before I could tell him that I didn't date he asked me if I was interested in going out some time. I quickly told him that No I was not interested and that I didn't date, his friends started laughing at him a bit so I told him that it was nothing personal against him but that I just wasn't interested in dating and that I explained that I did not believe in dating. He got the idea and thanked me for his purchased and left. So how can you turn down a date with out hurting a young mans feeling? Well if it is a total Un-Appropriate person, then its best to just say no politely yet firmly enough for him to know you’re serious. If it is a person close to your age then again say no politely and assure him that he is not the reason your turning him down but your believes or just tell him that you don't date yet if you don’t wanna explain courtship and such.
So what if it’s a guy that you like and would like to get to know later on? I've yet to experience this one but here are some ideas that I've heard/read that I thought sounded like good ideas. Tell the young man that you’re flattered but that he should ask your father first and get to know you and your family better before you can consider accepting his request.
Flirting is something that is MAJORLY affecting your youth today. Even in church groups you see young teenagers flirting with each other. If a young man is flirting with you it can be VERY tempting to flirt back or tease back to get attention, trust me I know! Flirting, as harmless as it may seem can lead to some serious problems; what if a guy is flirting with you and you flirt back "just for fun", maybe he really does like you yet you don't care for him and probably never will. This would be very painful and confusing to the young man that you lead on with your "just for fun" flirting. If a young man does start to flirt with you then quickly correct the behavior. How do ya do that? The way that I find easiest is to simply play dumb and oblivious to the flirting. That’s easy as long as it’s just light flirting and nothing that’s totally wrong. If he doesn't get the hint and carries on then try giving a "stop that" look as discreetly as you can. If he still doesn't get it then its best to just leave lest you fall into temptation and or lead him further down the path of temptation.
Another thing that is hard to respond to is when people honk their horns as you walk by or holler out at you. My mother and I where walking at a park last year with my younger brothers, and cars kept driving by honking and yelling trying to get our attention. At first I looked back to see if it was someone I knew, big mistake, the car drove around another time and started yelling out the window, at this point I learned to keep from looking and to act like I didn't hear it.
Another time at church one of my friends cousin said something like "Hey beautiful" as I walked by and he said it in a not so quiet voice so a good few people heard him. At first I wasn't sure what to do or say so I just kept walking acting like I didn't hear him. Later that night he walked up to me and addressed me by my name and asked if I had heard him, I said that yes I had but I refused to be spoken to in such away and that I rather him use my given name or my common nick name that every one used. He was somewhat startled by that but he never again called me any "pet names".
I've never really had to deal with this one much but I feel as if I should at least touch on it little. If a young man tries to touch you in anyway then you should put distance between you immediately! Once at a soul winning clinic I went to a young man kept trying to put his arm around my shoulder or lean in to close. At first I just moved over, he didn't get it. The next time I gave him a hard look, that stopped him for awhile and the next time he tried to place his hands on the small of my back as he tried to talk to me I told him to stop and to keep his hand to him self and placed my self at arms length away. He got the message and kept his hands to him self the rest of the week but still kept trying to follow me around. The youth pastor that we went with seemed to find it amusing and did nothing to intervene, after all he had stopped trying to touch so what was the harm in his antics? The rest of the trip was very stressful and annoying the girls I was with found it charming and kept trying to get him and me to talk and sit together. His church was sitting behind ours the whole week so there was no escaping him. I finally asked his youth pastors wife to talk to her husband about it to get him to leave me alone. This worked but it was the last day of the conference! I wish I had thought of that before hand! All that to say don't be scared to ask for help in dealing with a persistent boy. If your father is not around or for some reason is unable to help you then ask a brother, if your brother-less then ask a youth pastor or pastor or some male in authority to please talk to the guy for you. You don't have to deal with it on your own!
Finally if any body places you in a situation that makes your uncomfortable in any way then get out of there! Don't worry about being polite just take care of your self and run and get some help!
If a young man try’s to get you to compromise your standards say something like "you have potential to be a great man one day, and when you are you will a protector and not a conquer of a ladies purity" as you leave him. I'm sure I've seemed up tight at least once in my dealings with males but in the end I rather seem little up tight and "prudish" then to allow my purity and femminity to taken lightly or to be put in question.
What have you found to help when responding to any of the above or other situations?
Any tips of polity turning down a date? On discouraging flirting? Anything you want to add? Something you disagree with? Then please share it! I love hearing more than one side of things! Just be sure if you do disagree to support your reasons and to do so in an uplifting Christ like manner!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
What to do??
Posted by Sydney Smith at 11:46 AM
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13 comment(s):
I think this is a really important issue to address! :) I'm glad you wrote this post! You covered a lot of ground, and I think you did it very well.
Every young man that I associate with knows exactly what my family's views are on dating, so I have not had a good friend to ask me out, and probably won't have that happening anytime soon! :) "Emotional Purity" is a good book about establishing boundaries with male friends.
If I don't know a young man, though, I don't think it's my job to tell him why I'm saying "no." I think I should just be able to say, "No." If he persists, he isn't being polite, and I have every right to distance myself from that situation as soon as possible.
As far as uncomfortable touching, I haven't had much experience either (aren't we blessed? :) but I've always been taught to say, "Excuse me," very loudly on the first touch. "I must have gotten in your way." Second time, I say, "Excuse me. You keep touching my arm." I always make my parents aware of young men who I come in contact with frequently who make me uncomfortable, and I make it a point not to be around them, and not to let their inappropriate attention flatter me. It's been a while since I've had to take any precautions, though, which is a blessing.
I found, though, that a lot of girls (me included, early on), find flirtation very flattering. I've heard more girls than I can count express that they feel unattractive because a young man hasn't hit on them yet. That just isn't true! A young woman who carries herself with the grace befitting a lady might never get hit on, but it might be because more well-trained gentlemen are more interested in her than cads. :)
Anyhow, didn't mean to write a "part two" to your post in the comment section. I just really liked it. :)
Hello! We are young Christian girls and were blogging around when we came to your blog. This post really encouraged us, as we have struggled in some of these area's- this post has been a huge help to us! We always read about not to get yourself involved in these type of situations or how to avoid them, but never how to handle them if they come our way. It was a great help to us- we really like your blog and will check back often! Thank you for taking the time to post this!
God bless,
Hanna and Ri
Hi Sydney!
I came into a situation about a week ago when a boy in my Religious Studies class who has behaved a bit strangely around me before simply shoved the worksheet he was distributing right into my face. I felt so shocked! I thought "What was that for??" I just completely ignored him - tried to at least. I talked it over with my mum afterwards and realised that it's best to put up boundaries very firmly if anything happens that makes you feel uncomfortable or that invade your personal space in a way that's wrong. I mean, that situation wasn't that serious but it just showed me again how difficult it is for me to put my foot down in certain situations. I'm just too shocked or afraid.
Blessings, Hannah :)
Hey Sydney,
I agree with everything you've said, but will admit I have found it hard at times to stand up. I never really had to deal with boys until I got my first job. It wasn't that hard to tell when a boy was flirting and being polite is favorable in most situations. Once, though, I found myself working with a boy that continuously asked me out and was frustrated with my reason for not dating. I got to the point of being considered totally mean because there was no nice way to say no anymore. He finally left me alone....when my parents came in one day and he saw Daddy. He never gave me any problems after that. Boys do push their limits and we have to keep up those boundaries. It's hard at times, but definately necessary. I mean, sometimes, you can be so surprised by what they say or attempt, you forget exactly how you must reply and sound too laid back about it, when inside you are anything but.
Great post.
Good post!
Hello Sydney,
Good post! I agreed with everything you said. It's something I've been thinking about lately (how to handle these situations), since I'll be at our junior college in the fall. I've never been asked out and it won't be the first time if a guy hits on me, but all sorts of situations can occur there. I do, however, agree with Jasmine's point that strange guys aren't necessarily entitled to an explanation...unless they specifically ask why. Guys should be able to take "no" for an answer. Indeed, they are being rude if they don't accept it and move to badgering. Another way that I've come up with is instead of refusing at all, simply turn it over to my dad. Tell said guy that he has to talk to my dad or if he asks for my number, give him my dad's cell. Make him realize that I'm not really the one to make the decision. So...aside from saying a simple no, just simply say, "It's not up to me." If they're honorable, they'll call him. Or, you could even say, I don't want to get into anything right now, being only 18 in my case, and again, if they're honorable guys, they'll wait. As for touching, I would feel fine being blunt and simply taking their hand off as though it was a bug. Although, I love Jasmine's response! Makes the point very well, methinks. :-)
I totally agree with what you said about bringing another male figure into the situation for help, when needed. Even if it's another (respectable and decent) guy about your age, their words and presence will still carry more weight than you in the situation, since they somewhat represent your temporary protector. All this is just IMHO! ;-)
Shalom,
Sydney :-)
P.S. Sorry this is so long!
You handled each one of those situations PERFECTLY!!! You did exactly what I would do!! Good for you!
We are so much alike!! Kinda scary! LOL!
Grl4God (aka Mackenzie)
That is GREAT advise! :-D Thanks for putting it up!! I agree.. :-D I was wondering if I could be your friend.. :-D
LOVE this post. Really great advice girl :) And it is SO hard to not bask in the attention, I think all females would have to admit that it's nice to be "noticed." But sometimes, often, the noticing that is happening is not the type of attention we as Godly women should be yearning for. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a lesson with these tips we wouldn't have to learn. Again, great advice!! :)
You've been tagged! Come to my blog to see more details!
Hey Sydney! I was tagged and so I'm tagging you. If you feel up to it, instructions are on my blog post called Tag!! (I'm original for sure ;)) hehe!
I pray all has been well!!
Bravo! I too agreed with everything you said--I did have a situation happen once after a ping pong tournament, where I (very innocently!)tried to be a good sport, and offered my male opponent a handshake. He was about to shake it, but then thought otherwise and practically forced me into a bear hug very quickly! And before I could react, it was over! I just barely recovered. I now know not to do that again!
Thanks again for the advice!
--Mia
I loved your post, I'm not at all into these courtship or ask father things,(this might be because, despite my very good relationship to my father, I've been attending a bording school for the last three years) mostly because I never even heard of it until just recently (I'm nineteen), but I sure like it, and I find your advices to be very useful =)it's so interesting to hear young girls discuss this instead of parents, because you are more into the situations and need to have a way to deal with it =)
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